Fear

I am afraid daily.  I was anxious when I found the lump.  Was this serious?  How long has this been here without me noticing? I was deeply troubled when they biopsied it.  I didn't know they were going to do that.  This appointment was supposed to be a simple ultrasound.  What was wrong?  I was petrified when they told me it was cancer.  I had so many questions and so few answers.  What kind of cancer?  What is the treatment?  What do I do now?  What’s going to happen to me???

A friend sent me a link recently about a fellow cancer survivor Jennifer Glass who is a bit of an internet sensation right now.  In her video (Fear. Less.) she says that while we as cancer patients are not fearless (as some people might believe,) we try at least to fear less.  She said that her friends and family called her fearless in the face of cancer – but she admitted that she wasn't.  I can relate. 

People in my life think I am strong – that I am a hero – hell I even call myself a hero some days.  But the reality is that I tell myself that to battle the fear.  I am terrified daily.  What if they missed some cancer cells during surgery?  What if the treatment fails?  My biggest fear – what if it comes back? 

Despite surgically removing the tumor, destroying my body with chemotherapy, blasting my breast with radiation and popping anti-estrogen pills for 5 years – there is still a 9% chance that the cancer will come back (according to my oncologist.)  I try not to think about it – I passionately hate chemotherapy. I am 24 days away from my last chemo treatment and I can’t bear the thought of having to go through this again.  If cancer recurs, the survival rate drops dramatically.  They are throwing everything they have at it right now.  If it comes back what more can they do?

I wrote a piece on fear several years ago called The Commonplace War– before I knew what real fear was… Or did I?  One doesn't have to have cancer to be afraid.  We are all afraid of something.  Some people dread being alone, while others panic at the thought of falling in love and the potential heartache it brings.  They are millions of mental and physical ailments in this human life that cause us to be afraid.  Fear presents itself regularly in our day to day lives.   There are a great deal of “garden variety” type fears like driving in the city, heights, spiders or public speaking.  Many of us fear change.  And many more are afraid to die.

Whatever your fear is, I believe it is important to understand that it is valid, despite what anyone tells you.  Even though logical thought might tell you that it is foolish – that your fear is silly and you should not be afraid – it is a genuine human emotion that exists in all of us.  All human emotions are valid - they exist and we cannot just will them away.  You cannot tell someone (or yourself) that they should or should not feel something (fear or otherwise).  We feel what we feel.  We can manage our emotions, but we cannot deny their existence.   Those who claim to be fearless are lying.  Courage is not being fearless.  We are courageous when we act despite the fear – when we acknowledge its existence and stubbornly persevere, unwilling to allow our fear to hold us back.

Fear can be overpowering – even debilitating at times. I often feel as though I can’t talk about my fears with anyone.  People tell me not to worry – that worrying will not help, or they say tough it up, cupcake (well okay – maybe that’s what I say).  And of course, my favorite is the one I hear more often than any - Stay Positive. Perhaps by talking about my own fears I make other people’s fears more real.  I know that I am not the only one who is afraid.  My loved ones fear for me as well.  Maybe people feel like they need to be strong for me to help me get through my battle.   The thing is, most of the time I am positive and finding myself being the strong one for friends and family.  I don’t want them to worry and I try to ease their fear as well.  Are we all foolish?  Each of us hiding what frightens us to put on a brave face for the others?  The thing is, I don’t think that being aware and afraid of that 9% chance means I am being negative. I think I am being realistic.   And I don’t mean I sit around trembling and terrified, refusing to live my life because I am afraid.  But the fear is real.  The cancer could return.  And sometimes, I need to be able to talk about what scares me.  I think we all do. 

Fortunately for us, our wide array of human emotions contains a counter attack for fear – hope.  Hope is always there as well, helping us fight through the fear.  Hope is what keeps us alive inside when we feel like our lives are crumbling.  Hope gets me out of bed each day and keeps me counting down the days until this ordeal is behind me.  If we lose hope, we have nothing. 

No one ever wants to hear the words “You have cancer.”  I sure as hell didn't.  And yes, of course I am afraid.  But I cling to the hope that is very much alive inside me.  I have hope that I will beat this wretched disease.  I have hope that it will never return and I will live out the rest of my life cancer-free.  And I have hope that my story might be able to help ease the fear of someone else going through their own battles – be it with cancer or otherwise.  Stay strong my friends, and stay hopeful xo!