If you know me then you know that I am growly. I growl all the time… a cranky work
email? Grrr. Friends changed my plans?... Grrr. I have to stop for gas? Grrrrr.
I am being serious… I legitimately growl. My former roommate told me once that my growls
sound like something is dying in my throat.
Dramatic much?? I growl when
something mildly upsets me and I growl when something seriously upsets me. I make it known in my (subtle?) way when I am
unhappy with a situation or circumstance and I tend to forget that people
around me can hear me – this often results in the solidification of their initial
suspicion that I am just plain nuts. And
can I really argue with them?
Let’s review: I am a
terrible housekeeper. My apartment is
generally disorganized and I will frequently buy new socks and underwear
because I don’t feel like doing laundry. There are dirty dishes in my sink and I never
clean my floors – honestly - who has time for that?? Furthermore, if the opportunity presents
itself, I drink wine at 2 in the afternoon on a Tuesday, and I have never shied
away from a good bar fight. I have terrible taste in men (but fantastic taste
in friends, as K and L will avidly express!)
I am boy crazy (despite being in my 30s!), vain as f*%@ and I care way too much what people think of me,
though I always pretend otherwise. I am
a ridiculous clutz, I am bad at math and I correct people’s grammar all the
time (my friends just love
that!) I hate washing my hair (when I
have hair I mean – it’s bad to wash it every day…seriously!) and I eat beef
jerky and chips in bed. I love to climb
trees and jump in mud puddles and dance in the rain. I am selfish and reckless and impulsive – but
hey – bad decisions make great stories right?
I am also a person who is kind and forgiving (although I will
admit, there are some resentments I am still holding onto). I am told I am thoughtful… I frequently bake
treats for the guys I work with (they love
my banana-chocolate-chip muffins… seriously… they ask for them weekly) and I
regularly worry about my friends and family. I am wildly protective of my loved ones - to
the point that some of the above-mentioned bar fights may or may not have been
a result of fiercely safeguarding the honor of the people I hold dear! I am awed by the love and support I am receiving,
I am surprisingly good at writing poetry and I have a really great rack… oops I
mean had! I make people laugh – usually
at my ultimate clumsiness or some of the ridiculous things I say, I am great at
my job and I try not to judge others (considering what a mess I am on a day to
day basis, how could I possibly pass
judgement on anyone else!)
I am human. I am
flawed. I am often self-conscious,
although I call it being self-aware. I
know I have many failings, and I don’t let that get me down (Well – I try – we
all have our moments!) I believe that
people need to accept themselves for who they are. Striving too hard for absolute perfection can
lead to feeling dissatisfied – not good enough – unlovable. None of us is perfect and we never will
be. Please don’t misunderstand – I am
not saying that we should all give up on being better people and instead become
lazy, self-indulgent slobs – self-improvement and growth are fantastic and
important. But I think we need to find a
balance. We as people have a terrible
habit of judging ourselves so much more harshly than we would ever dare judge
anyone else. We feel guilty for things
in our past for which we would easily forgive another. We blame ourselves continuously for our shortcomings,
despite the fact that we can accept other people’s imperfections as a simple part of the human condition. Why are we
so hard on ourselves? What has our
society done to us to make us continuously chase the unrealistic standard of
perfection that we will never reach? Why
are we unable to love ourselves, the good and the bad, and accept reality for
what it is? What will it take for us to
forgive ourselves?
Setting impossible standards has led me time and
again through trails of self-doubt and negative emotions. I have wasted years
putting too much pressure on myself to be something I simply am not. My diagnosis has forced me to slow down and
look at my life more realistically. I am
learning to appreciate the little things about who I am. I can (and often do) laugh at my own
mistakes. I am trying to learn now how
to forgive myself the way God has forgiven me and to love myself for who I
am. We all have weaknesses (aka
opportunities for growth.) We all have
guilty pleasures (see above beef-jerky comment). We are all human. And we’re all in
this together, whether we like it or not.
Yes, cancer has changed my perceptions on certain life
aspects, as you can tell by my blog posts. But I am still me… I am ridiculously
emotional but love to pass myself off as stoic and indifferent. I fail at the simplest social tasks (for
example returning phone calls…. I am
sorry friends), yet people seem to like me anyway…. Weird right?? I feel like a failure most days but I hold my
life together somehow. I contradict
myself daily (hourly?) and I get super shy on dates. I act stronger than I feel, but that’s okay –
I’m going for the whole “fake it til you make it” thing in that aspect. I laugh
a lot, I cry when I need to, and I growl.
I’m not going to lie to you, my growling is likely never
going to change. I will always growl when I don’t get a good parking spot, or
when someone cuts in front of me in line.
My growl is part of who I am. And
trust me… I am fully aware that many circumstances are worth more than a simple
grr and many require a lot more delicacy than my inconsequential rubbish. But I am okay with my growling - I am who I
am… foolish, lovable and human. And
besides - Sometimes you just need to growl!
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