Two Years

Unlike most people’s January, September has always represented for me a time of change – even years before Cancer.  Maybe it is the change in the air as autumn sneaks its way in.  Or maybe its conditioning left over from childhood and new school years starting always in September.  I don’t know – but I do know that a lot of major life events that I have had or major decisions I have made have often been in September.  September 8, 2014 was an especially important day as it was the last day of my Radiation Treatments. 

As a quick recap, from February 6, 2014 to September 8, 2014 I had surgery to have a tumor removed from my left breast as well as a second incision to remove and test Lymph Nodes (which tested positive for Cancer) then 4 months of Chemotherapy followed by VERY LITTLE recovery time to prepare my body for 30 rounds of Radiation Therapy.  Then I was prescribed 5 years worth of Tamoxifen, which is a hormone receptor blocker that has its own set of wonderful menopause-like side effects – Hot flashes, fatigue, mood swings, etc.  It wasn’t my best year, to say the least.

When I think about it – two years is wild – I mean, to me it still feels like yesterday.  One would assume that after two years I would be back to the thriving butterfly I once was, dancing and singing the nights away at Karaoke bars or having Wine Wednesdays with the girls – you know, all of the fun things I USED to be able to do.  I see it in other Cancer sisters – they appear to be fully recovered.  And maybe they are – physically.  But I wonder about the emotional and mental recovery.  It is very tempting to smile on the outside while we hurt or are afraid on the inside.  There was psychological support for a while for me – a counselor, a support group – but I kind of drifted away from that.  I mean, I thought I was healed – but there are so many emotions that happen now and thoughts after going through an ordeal like Cancer.  Fear. Anger. Grief for the life we should have had. Our thoughts don’t instantly stop when treatment does.

 Then I speak with others who are like me – dealing with severe physical ‘leftovers’ and trying desperately to find the right product, the right drug or naturalpath or acupuncturist – Trying everything we can to get some relief.  Dealing with families or friends that don’t understand the reality that Cancer treatment can, and often does leave behind some painful reminders in our bodies and our souls.  Reminders of who I was before Cancer. Reminders of my limitations now.  Reminders of the fact that I will never be the same as I was and that I need to accept a new normal. 

I was hopeful about the two-year mark… way back then.  The two-year mark in the Breast Cancer world is when you are expected to be “healed” – back to normal for some – but some of us didn’t get to go back to the way things were.  Some of us are fighting uphill battles to manage the more permanent effects of Cancer treatment.  I feel as though if this pain was going to subside, it would have by now and I fear that I must learn to live with it.  All of my stubbornness, my strength, my guts and glory – all the things that kept me going throughout my treatment – they can not make my nerve damage heal.  They can not stop the pain.

So this is where I am at in my battle with the Big C – while it didn’t destroy me, it damaged me (perhaps beyond repair) and I am still trying to learn to accept this new reality ahead of me instead of fighting it. I need to accept my limitations and to try not to feel so guilty about my body’s restrictions.  When I first got diagnosed, I was adamant that this was NOT going to change my life!  I would not let it hold me down.  I believed that I would handle treatment like a boss, then after it was finished I would go back to my awesome life.  Man was I wrong!  

 I believe acceptance is the first step towards finding peace in my new normal and getting out under the poor-me moments, which I regret to inform you, have been quite frequent these days.  Sadly though, that acceptance is proving to be much easier said than done.  I don’t WANT to feel pain and fear.  I don’t WANT to be a burden on my family and bail on my friends.  I don’t WANT to accept my new reality – I want my old one back – The one where I had the blessings of good health and freedom from pain and fatigue.

But I am trying to accept it… Slowly.  And I thank God for bringing me my loving husband and my amazing friends who are there for me, in any way they can, helping me every step of the way, one day at a time.  Baby Steps :)