Gratitude

A cancer diagnosis is a very emotional thing.  We are told this by all the doctors and books and websites and of course by well-meaning loved ones.  Naturally, I was going to be different. I was impervious to silly things like fear and self-pity and well, common sense.  This was NOT going to change my life.  I liked my life!  I had finally reached a point where I felt satisfied – comfortable.  I loved my job, my home, my friends and family (which of course I STILL do – very much!)  I had it all.  Cancer ha! Didn’t they know who I was? I didn’t have time for this foolishness – I had work to do, boys to flirt with, parties to attend… a LIFE to live!  2014 was going to be Year of Nicki.  I had plans.

What I have learned (and am still learning – I am very stubborn) is that I don’t always get to make the plans.  Sometimes God makes the choices for us.  I can look back at my entire life and question everything that has ever happened.  Cancer is not my first challenge (although so far it is the toughest).  I feel like my prior trials and tribulations were in some way preparing me.  I am Superman and I can handle anything.  I have been hurt and broken so many times in so many ways – yet I am always ready to start again with a determined flash in my eyes and a smile (sometimes fake) on my face.

Everybody has a story.  Everyone’s life is filled with twists and turns and triumphs and challenges.  Upon diagnosis they sent me to a program called Healing Connections or as I like to call it, Cancer School.  It was an amazing opportunity to meet and get to know a few fellow cancer patients.  The leaders always stressed the importance of NOT comparing one’s situation to another’s less it cause us to feel worse about our own situations.  Maybe there is something wrong with me - OK let’s face it – there is a LOT wrong with me… and I just can’t stand when someone tells me what to do.  So instinctively I do the opposite - I compare my situation to others all the time. 

I had a lumpectomy.  This means they removed the tumor and I got to keep my breast.  Many women lose it.

I am a chemo patient – I am sick and tired and generally feel like garbage most days. And it will be finished this summer.  I have friends with painful chronic illness such as MS and rare brain disorders like Chiari Malformation.  These never go away.

I am a single woman fighting cancer.  I have no husband living with me to take care of me.  I know a few single mothers going through the same battle – and they are taking care of themselves AND their children.

I am bald and self-conscious.  It will grow back.  I know people for whom hair loss is not due to chemo and is permanent.

Surgery and treatment have caused me to gain a little more weight than I like to carry around.  I have a strong and beautiful friend who was put on a steroid for Rheumatoid Arthritis and gained a lot more than me in a short period of time.  Only now is she able to try to get her body back – several years after the fact. (PS - You got this LA!)   I also know people with Thyroid problems for whom weight is a constant and lifelong battle.

I am only stage 2. My tumor and infected lymph node were removed swiftly and effectively.  I am young enough that my body is strong and can handle the treatments. I am surrounded by supportive friends and family (near and far). I am supported by my employer.  I was able to get my drugs covered. I can still work and socialize and shop and do all the things I want to do (albeit in moderate amounts now). 
This is temporary. This is temporary. This is temporary.

When life plans go awry and bad things happen, it is very easy to throw our hands up in the air and have a full blown pity party.  Don’t get me wrong – it IS hard and it IS emotional and I hold no judgement for those who face it with tears and anger and despair.  My close friends and family will confirm – I am certainly guilty of many many poor-me moments.  But for me, there is no choice.  I do not plan to roll over and die so I will just keep fighting through.  There is no other option.  And I try to do it with a smile on my face and often with an inappropriate cancer joke on my lips (it makes people wildly uncomfortable – you should try it!)  So rather than blame bad luck or curse God for giving me cancer, I thank Him for my strength and all the love and support in my life.  I am truly one of the lucky ones.