sur·vive
verb \sər-ˈvīv\
: to remain alive : to continue to live
: to continue to exist
: to remain alive after the death of (someone)
<http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary>
I am called Survivor. The next time I go to the Relay for
Life, I will walk the Survivor’s walk. Cancer
kills, but it didn't kill me. So I am a
survivor. But what does this word
imply? That I managed to simply stay
alive? That I continue to exist? That I outlived other patients?
My last cancer treatment was Sept 8, 2014. Man the tears
flowed that day... and still do regularly to be honest. But it was over. It IS over.
I fought cancer… and I won. My
mind is blown almost daily when I think about the reality of what I just
did.
I created this blog as a way to express my thoughts and
possibly encourage others – then I got too tired to write. Treatment went on (and on and on and on) and I
just didn't have the energy. I wanted to write – and I did from time to time –
but here’s the thing – I was determined from the start to keep my life as
normal as possible. So I worked – almost
every day (which, I have since been told by the ladies in my Survivor’s group,
is somewhat unheard of during Chemo.) And
I went to things I was invited to – Not all of them… not even close to all of
them – but I maintained somewhat of a semblance of my previously active social
life. (Although I must admit – throughout
all of this I have developed a very powerful appreciation for Netflix nights on
my couch!)
In the beginning, I was all about being strong and stubborn
and kicking ass. I am a strong person. More importantly, I am a stubborn person. I was simply not having this. Cancer?
Seriously? Pish - nothing I can’t
handle. Superman, right?? …False. It was the hardest thing I have ever dealt
with. Ever. At first, I thought it was nothing… bullshit
to Cancer – I've got this! And I was in
control. I was calling the shots. I decided that cancer treatment could piss
off with its sickness and side effects and I was going to barrel through
it. I did what was required – because I
am a “survivor.” But things
changed. I had to accept the reality
that I am (unfortunately) human and my body couldn't just be OK on cancer
treatment simply because I said it could.
She worked against me (and really, can you blame her?? The sick amount of chemicals my body took in –
of course she would be angry!)
I believed that Chemo would be the hardest part – and after
my radiation therapy started, I maintained that belief… for about two weeks…
then I got tired again. Really tired.
And my skin started burning. I was so burnt I couldn't wear a bra most
days (and trust me that was not a
pretty sight!) I actually think I had a
harder time with radiation than I did with Chemo. Chemo made me feel sick and gross and not
myself – but radiation exhausted
me. Imagine that you haven’t slept for
two full nights. Then multiply it by six. And no amount of sleep alleviates the fatigue
– you simply have to power through it.
Most nights I was too tired to eat by the time I got home (don’t worry
though folks – I eventually caved and went to stay with my dad and Lori who
made sure I was well fed!)
It may have been an emotional thing – going through chemo
was so wretched and I assumed that once it was done, everything else would be
smooth sailing. Wrong again. I was prepared for battle when I started
Chemo – I was not ready at all for
the penetrating weakness that the radiation brought.
But now – Everything is changed. I am FINISHED treatment (except for the drugs
that I will be taking for the next ten years – which BTW cause MORE hot
flashes! Ugh.) I have gone back to the gym (albeit in small
doses). I have gotten some of my energy
back. And those who know me will tell
you - I am ME again!!
There are many many moments in which I reflect on the past
nine months and I am overcome with joy.
I am just so so happy that it
is over. There are also moments in which
I am still afraid. I will have a follow up
in February. This is when I will find
out if my breasts are cancer-free. I
don’t think I will sleep easy until then.
The treatment is finished, but the emotions are not extinguished. I still get bouts of fear and self-pity. I still get jealous when I see a woman with
pretty hair (although my hair is growing back very nicely!) I still get
overwhelmed when I really try to fathom what I just went through – Cancer. Chemotherapy.
Radiation. It’s actually a little
crazy when I start to think about it too much.
Cancer is a messed up thing.
It changes the way you are treated.
It changes the way you feel. I
have really not been me since this whole thing started. It is hard to think about anything else while
you are in treatment. It becomes your
whole world. Every minute of every day
is consumed with thoughts of appointments and drugs and pain and fear. People
tell you that you are courageous and strong but you feel weak and afraid. You fight because you have to – because there
is no other option. And in the middle of
it, you don’t even realize you are fighting.
But you fight – trust me, you fight.
I am called Survivor.
But Survival is not enough. I have endured and conquered. I have suffered and succeeded. I have felt broken and defeated and ready to
die, all while pretending that I was brave.
I fought to keep things as normal as possible. I fought to be able to stay on my own. I fought for my life. And I won.
