Ok. So I haven’t
posted anything for a while. And I have
a reason – albeit it isn’t necessarily a very good one. Lately, I have been just too damn angry. If you have read any of my blog you know that
I try to put a positive spin on the negatives and keep it upbeat and at least
pseudo-positive. I have not been able to
do that this past few weeks. Everything
I have written has been angry – I type fast and furious with hot tears on my
face. Then I read what I wrote and
decide, no – I can’t post that.
But I have changed my mind.
So far this blog has basically been me blasting my feelings all over the
internet so why should I be afraid to post about my anger? Because I am having a very hard time staying positive that’s why. But I have decided to post about it anyway –
I am sure I am not the only one with a bit of rage inside and maybe people can
relate and even offer me some advice.
Because oh man… I am so damn angry.
For me - and for my family.
We have had a rough year. Cancer
hits most families in one way or another.
I needed every horrible treatment that exists which made me feel like
garbage and caused my whole family to worry about me. THEN my mom comes to visit me for my final
chemo treatment – and four days after she gets here, her husband dies. And there are other (more private-family-type)
things that I can’t get into in this setting.
Thank God my family has so much love for one another or none of us would
survive.
As I was driving my mom to the airport, she said to me, “God
doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”
SHE said that – hours after learning of her husband’s passing. Her faith is strong and I admire her so much.
I am a Christian and I love and trust
God – but I still said back to her – He needs to back the f&#@ off of our
family! It was a moment of pure anger –
at life and at God. Not my proudest
moment as a Christian. I hated feeling
that way. I still do. I keep (forcedly) reminding
myself that it could be worse.
When I had my follow up appointment after I finished Chemo,
my Nurse Practitioner asked how I was doing.
I said I felt good - I mean I was done Chemo and starting to feel a
little better physically… then I bawled like a little girl. From the moment I found my lump and
throughout Chemotherapy, there was no time to be sad or angry or feel sorry for
myself. There was only appointments and
medications and being so careful and staying aware of what’s happening. You just do what needs to be done to get
through one day to the next. It’s as
though I was holding my breath for the last six months and at that appointment
I finally let it out.
It’s like your adrenaline is going crazy and you don’t even
know that your emotions exist – then once the danger has (somewhat) passed,
your mind and body suddenly recognize what just happened and you kind of
break. That’s what I have felt like this
last few weeks. I simply couldn’t be emotional before now – too
much was at stake. Now that Chemo is
over I am experiencing a world of emotions – and I just don’t know how to deal
with them most days. I tend to tune out
and simply not deal. It’s a bad habit but it’s as though if I
don’t face it, it doesn’t really exist.
I can pretend that I am fine and that I am strong and that cancer hasn’t
affected me emotionally. I can fake it
most of the time and lie to everyone, including myself. I can pretend as though I am not filled with
rage all the time. And I do.
Yet my anger grows exponentially – it creeps like a disease
that knows no limits – I am angry that I got the cancer. I am angry that my mom lost her husband. I am angry that there are SO many damn people
at the cancer institute needing treatment.
I am angry that after all that I have been through with chemo, I am
still not done and still spend a large portion of my time dealing with
treatment and side effects and an inability to do the things I want. I am angry
that deserving people don’t get what they want and that innocent people
everywhere have to deal with disease and abuse and hunger and disaster and
heartbreak. I am angry about unrelated
tragedies in other people’s lives. I am
fully aware that I have ZERO control over any of these things and that I should
just let them go, but I am having a very hard time with that. I am just so pissed off that life is so
unfair.
Do you know how many women get Breast Cancer every year in
Canada? 23,800!! Stupid!
One in Nine Canadian women will get breast cancer. One in 29 will DIE from it. Breast cancer is the second leading cause of
cancer deaths in Canadian women (the first is lung cancer). It is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in
women. Luckily, we don’t all have to die
from it.
We do, however, have to deal with the fear and the horror
and the anger. We are terrified – and
sick – and we often feel alone. We are
so tired and just want it all to NOT be happening. We know it could be worse and we feel awe and
sadness for those who went before us. We
feign courage in hopes that we can fake it til we make it. And truthfully my friends, we can.
I am fully aware that many people face more terrible things
that what I deal with. I feel like my
anger is silly and selfish. What right
do I have to lash out? Mine was a
relatively easy tragedy. I am
alive. Chemo is finished (Thank God!) and
I am getting healthier. I have great
support from family and friends. I am
alive. I haven’t had to struggle much
financially throughout treatment. My
tumor was small. I AM ALIVE.
So why am I so full of rage these days?
Are there any of you who read this who are also survivors?
If so, please tell me… how did you handle the anger?? Because I have been trying – I wanted to have
something more positive for my readers… but I don’t.
And I am sorry… I wish I could give you some more
positivity. I know that a lot of my
readers look forward to my upbeat and foolish attitude in my posts. I am hoping that posting this message will be
liberating for me (as my online rants generally are) and that it will help me
begin to heal emotionally. I don’t want
to be mad but I am. I have never been a
perfect person – but did I deserve the cancer??
It’s not fair, it’s not right. It’s cancer.
